I hope this is an example of Oral poetry
Held
Malo, malo, jo’wo maa lo o
Malo, malo, jo’wo maa lo e
There will be no goodbyes in these lines
There will be no goodbyes from these eyes
Just a desire to be held, close and firm
Tide passing.
Standing by the edge of the sand, seeing
He holds her, as she shatters like dust
He holds her, willing her, ‘stay contained’
He holds her, whispering tales
Of nothing meaning everything
He holds her, inviting to ride dream horses
Galloping on lavender clouds
He holds her, bidding her soul be still
Her heart must beat
He holds her, beat her heart on his hand
He holds her, she is held
He holds her, she sighs
He sighs, holding her.
There are no goodbyes in these lines
There are no goodbyes from these eyes
We all live on borrowed time
Tide passing
No one should not be held
Malo, malo, jo’wo maa lo o
Malo, malo, jo’wo maa lo e
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Comments
Held poem
I really lime this poem. It reminds me of times when I have heard Urdu ghazals performed - the same insistent rhythm that washes over you, sinks you into a certain mood, hypnotic.
I like dream horses shatters like dust of nothing meaning everything and the weave and pulse of love that comes off every line the switch of language - which wold be of course a much more dramatic event in performance.
I'd agree with Metal Monkey that the switch from the 'I' to the 'we' feels like it merits at least a verse break and if that occured there would be gaps in the rhythm, flow to fill.
I can see how much more mysterious and powerfully concentrated would be the edit MM speculates on (desires ot be held/shatters like dust). Perhaps it would disturb the rhythm to compress in that manner, and render the meaning more difficult if the poem is spoken (since we would have less time to meditate on the line)? There again, if the compression can be part of a rhythmic reconstruction then it could work out?
One last perhaps bold comment. Abi, I read your fiction as well, and much as I enjoy it and think it done well, I think your poetry really soars. How to get such poetry into your prose or are the two incompatible?
Held- a reworked version
this is a reworked version, trying to incorporate what has been said. i felt it was pretty much finished so I just tweeked it a bit, the plurality has been changed to that adverbial noun (hope i'm correct on that) because its meant to reflect the couple and I added the meaning of the yoruba terms at the beginning to make more sence and take off the inrtoduction.does this work?
About the story, thank you so much. it proves to me that no one can be please because over the years, i've been accused of writing prose like its poetry and I've been working on that and now you ask me to incorporate the two. it is not impossible and if you read the rest of the notes, there are other stories that have these traces, but thank you. i truly appreciate every feedback I get.
MM, there is only an ocean between us , not a lifetime, so i'm sure Pete can still link us with peace. i hope your feet touch and bring happiness as you travel. Alafia
Held
Malo, malo, jo’wo maa lo o -don’t go, don’t go, my love please don’t go
Malo, malo, jo’wo maa lo e -don’t go, don’t go, my love please don’t go
There will be no goodbyes in these lines
There will be no goodbyes from these eyes
Just a desire to be held, close and firm
Tide passing.
He holds her, as she shatters like dust
He holds her, willing her, ‘stay contained’
He holds her, whispering tales
Of nothing meaning everything
He holds her, inviting to ride dream horses
Galloping on lavender clouds
He holds her, bidding her soul be still
Her heart must beat
He holds her, beat her heart on his hand
He holds her, she is held
He holds her, she sighs
He sighs, holding her.
There are no goodbyes in these lines
There are no goodbyes from these eyes
Love lives on borrowed time
Tide passing.
No one should not be held
Malo, malo, jo’wo maa lo o -don’t go, don’t go, my love please don’t go
Malo, malo, jo’wo maa lo e -don’t go, don’t go, my love please don’t go
I like the rhythm of this
I like the rhythm of this poem like a rowing boat or water lapping.
I think the Yoruba was beta left untranslated, looked nicer on the page. In performance, u can always explain meaning b4 reading poem. In publishing, you can always use footnote.
Final
Held
Malo, malo, jo’wo maa lo o
Malo, malo, jo’wo maa lo e
There will be no goodbyes in these lines
There will be no goodbyes from these eyes
Just a desire to be held, close and firm
Tide passing.
He holds her, as she shatters like dust
He holds her, willing her, ‘stay contained’
He holds her, whispering tales
Of nothing meaning everything
He holds her, inviting to ride dream horses
Galloping on lavender clouds
He holds her, bidding her soul be still
Her heart must beat
He holds her, beat her heart on his hand
He holds her, she is held
He holds her, she sighs
He sighs, holding her.
There are no goodbyes in these lines
There are no goodbyes from these eyes
Love lives on borrowed time
Tide passing.
No one should not be held
Held & Hooked
Hey Abi,
There was such a tenderness to this poem. I think I felt particularly drawn to it because I can be careless, almost inconsiderate with my own tenderness in poetry - it seems SO natural for you. Really lovely.
I am a bit partial to a 'technique' if it can be called that - putting two ideas side by side and almost asking them to jarr against eachother. I wondered if it would work in the poem. One example I thought could read without the 'explanations' would be...
Just a desire to be held, tide passing.
He holds her, she shatters into dust
*** Would love some additional thoughts about this from other bloggers because it might be something I like doing but irritates other readers! Also, I know you were going for a poem that sits confidently in the ORAL camp - so maybe my suggestion doesn't support that...
I was also soooo hooked by the relationship and what was to come of the love and her fragility... Would it make her/them stronger??? That I was a bit disappointed that the end of the poem became more general and turned to 'We...' Are there 'no goodbyes' because they can continue to hold eachother??? I hope so!
- Oh! Some other bits Abi! Would love to arrange an intro - Yes, I think Pete can put us in touch. It will be tricky at mo because I'm out of the country and making plans to remain a vagabond all summer if possible!
-PSS! DANIEL BEATY gave me shivers and 'Knock Knock' was good too!