Praise Poem draft
Hello fellow hothousers - uploading my praise efforts since I will be away for the next (unfortunately two) sessions. I hope to be able to check in, so do comment and crit if you've a mo. Sorry to be missing out, catch up with you all in feb :)
In Praise of Time
Draft 1
the great healer, the forgiver
the source of our tomorrow, our future
the home of hope
our happy ever after
contained within
and when its present face
reveals a rent of terror
it sows its thread and stitches into past
pain is dulled and scars knitted over
woven fast
when wasted, no regret smells as sharp
when shared, each moment tastes more sweet
it folds a distant laughter
whispered near
where dreams begin
but when our latest breath becomes our last
it’s time we have to thank for all that’s passed
AL©2008
20th January
· Protected by Akismet
Comments
Hey Anwen You like to pick
Hey Anwen
You like to pick the big ones eh? Time!
What I liked in this poem was the textile metaphor, which I think works best in the line, "it folds a distant laughter". I think the second stanza has great potential, but the metaphor is slightly unclear.
The first & last stanzas are the least successful, because they are not saying anything particularly new or surprising about Time, particularly the last stanza, where the rhyme/meter in the last two lines is very predictable.
I would like to see something more personal woven into the poem & something darker, more scary. At the moment, you are dealing with generalities. If you don't want to put anything personal into it, I would recommend that you personify Time more, give Time a real personality. What is this all powerful person doing the stitching like?
Lines
when wasted, no regret smells as sharp
when shared, each moment tastes more sweet
it folds a distant laughter
whispered near
where dreams begin
these were the lines that i read over and again, its simple, sweet, true and beautiful. It touched this soul
lots of respect
I loved the lines: 'our happy ever after / contained within' and wondered if the poem could begin with that idea already knowing that the poem is about time frm the title. It is a clever reminder that even 'happy ever after' is limited - where exactly the opposite is implied in fairy tales. I also like the 'whispered near / where dreams begin' as it is tender and a bit surreal, and wonder if the ending would benefit from this elusive feeling. I enjoy the center of the poem more than the outer fringes, and really respect how well you handled such a BIG subject!
Quick comment
Time is a metaphor, hence Time can be anything, in the case of the opening line attributive personification. However I feel that this, in conjunction with the use of the definite article, creates an overly defined conceptual space that the rest of the poem proceeds to (partially) break down. In a sense the poem weakens its opening premise, which appears to be declared without the intention of being undermined.
God is love (as opposed to God is the love). What is love? In this instance something simultaneously finite and infinite (as well as simultaneously noun, verb and adjective).
Time as the great healer, the forgiver. Discrete attributes (and nouns characterised by the performance of the verb and therefore unable to be the verb) assumed to be connected by their co-occurence but not necessarily so. However, you knock down one you knock down the other.
'great healer, forgiver/source of our tomorrow' overcomes some of this problem. 'healing, forgiving/source of our tomorrow' overcomes more.
Time poem
The second verse was the one that had me thinking, so I thought that verse most successful, though I disagreed that time stitches fast - maybe its me, but seems for me it stitches only very slowly!