Yoshioka Gawa
Sun, 22/11/2009 - 18:49 — Belinda Johnston
River rises, butterflies snuggle in her banks,
sparrows settle by the sunflowers, scorched.
A dragonfly nips the water, the wind combs
the rice fields, yellow and green.
River is idle, scabby rubbish clings to her banks;
She scorns the sun.
River rushes, heavy clouds drown her,
She soars, like sirens.
River sleeps, ripples reduce moon to small man,
He trembles.
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Comments
nip and tuck
Hi Belinda
i ilike the poem
and think that it borders on what has influenced you over recent time...
i would consider losing some of the words which i think are not needed
eg
River rises, butterflies snuggle in her banks,
sparrows settle by the sunflowers, scorched.
I think would work better if...
River bank rises, butterflies snuggle,
sparrows settle the sunflowers.
sunflowers are usually done in by sun so unless scorched has another meaning - then maybe you could consider losing the adjective?
steve x
Nipping and tucking done :)
Yes, I see after several readings that the piece needs editing to tighten the images, and getting rid of stuff that clouds the images is good practice.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Belinda :)
Thank you so much Emma for
Thank you so much Emma for the feedback :)
Glad you like the poem
Belinda x
love this piece
Belinda, this cunjures up great images! the personification of the river is wonderful. such beauty, shmee about the pollution in the water spiling the scenery. I love the idea that the calm sleeping river reveals the man in the moon. A haunting piece. very good!
Thank you for the feedback on "First Feeling" glad you like it.
Take care, Emma.
Hello All, I've not
Hello All,
I've not submiited any poems for a while. I will endeavor to comment on other peoples work.
Not long back from Japan, and back in Manchester now, attending Open mic gigs and attending lots of writing workshops.
Love Belilnda