Missing
So, I've worked on a rewrite for this - taking into account comments about making it less of a list, more grammatical and incorporating the relationship of the writer to the 'shaver' etc. I think it may need a little cutting down at this point - not quite sure about stanza 4 and 5, I'm kind of using them as a break to switch gears but it feels a bit clunky. But it's all part of the process! I heard William Trevor describe writing as being like sculpture for him. On his first run through he'll build a block of material (writing) and then works to keep chipping away at it (editing) until it's in the shape he wants. Thanks for all your feedback!
Version 2 of *Missing*
His brush swishes
Foam, the colour of icing sugar
the colour of egg whites
inside bowl’s mouth
he gently paints spiralling circles on his face
one finger in the cleft of his chin
tips his head up
eyes contemplate flat white ceiling
He pulls his razor in scratching upstrokes
Skimming a taut adam’s apple
Razor clinks against chipped china mug
Excess foam floats
He unearths another swathe
Of smooth brown skin
from the layer of white
a last leisurely male bastion
in this feminised household
I reach tentative fingertips to stroke
Salt and pepper bristles
dry at night
damp by day
There were times of plenty
of collar-tickling waves of black hair
of luxuriant sideburns
and a cartoon bandit’s moustache
sideburns came and went
like flares and spangles and curly-wurlys
but the moustache stayed
Once however
he emerged from his morning ritual
with something not quite right
his unseen upper lip
newborn naked and exposed
remnants of the missing moustache
clinging to his razor
gurgling down our protesting drains
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I originally wrote this for an exercise in a writing class. It was something like 'a portrait of someone you know through an object you associate with them' after some edits it turned into this...
At the workshop I came to, Pete was talking about titles. I must admit I'm a bit ad hoc with these but am trying to be more conscious about them now. After Pete's comments I stopped calling this 'Shaving Brush' and went and had a bit of a think about it....
*Missing*
Brush swishes
inside bowl’s mouth
Foam
the colour of icing sugar
the colour of egg whites
applied to his face in spiralling circles
Razor
scratching
scraping
skimming
adam’s apple
Salt and pepper bristles
dry at night
damp by day
Some years
luxuriant sideburns
a cartoon bandit’s moustache
complemented collar-tickling waves of black hair
Once
he emerged
moustache missing
upper lip
naked and vulnerable
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Comments
Missing
What a wonderful description of a mundane (should that be mendane? Lol) task.
It reminds me of when my late brother-in-law was ill and they shaved off his beard. I never recognised the man, after about 40 years of knowing him.
Clare, This piece has a
Clare,
This piece has a wonderful atmosphere and tells a lovely story of a couple who have undergone many changes and grown together, it marks the passage of their time together beautifully. I love the imagery, the detail and the fondness evident in your poem. Take care.
Hi Clare I really like how
Hi Clare
I really like how you've revised this piece. You've really taken on board the comments received and have tried to make the poem more engaging.
I particularly like -' tentative fingertips to stroke
Salt and pepper bristles
dry at night
damp by day'
and
I like the words you've used to describe the sounds of the razor, skimming, scraping. In this case, I don't think you need to point out that it's the razor doing the action, as the reader will work this out.
I'm working on 'showing and not telling' in my work at the moment. It take alot of practice I know and perseverence.
I'm living in Japan at the moment, but would like to get together when I return in November to discuss my writing with others. What workshops do you attend?
Are you Manchester based.
Best Wishes and keep writing.
Belinda
Belinda's comment
Hi Belinda,
thanks for your comments - glad you're finding the poem more engaging now! Glad you like that stanza - I kept moving it around, but wanted to keep it in, especially as it's the only part about 'I' and not 'he'.
I know what you mean about showing not telling. It's hard to tell when you're doing it sometimes, which is why it helps when others read your writing.
Wow, Japan! How's that? I'm actually in the US right now, but have been to the Identity workshop when I've been in Manchester and also another workshop group - can't remember which name it had, but there were lots of novelists!
all the best with your writing - is being in Japan inspiring you to write any differently?
CR
Hi Clare, Yes, been living
Hi Clare,
Yes, been living in Japan for the past 18 months. It's been great living here, a good experience.
Will be moving back to Manchester in a couple of months.
Keep posting and commenting.
Belinda x
Hi Clare,On the plus side,
Hi Clare,
On the plus side, i like the fresh idea to a very boring activity, and it starts well with: Brush swishes inside bowl's mouth.
On the negative, the rest of the piece is very simple and list like. Maybe use your imagination more too lift this and other pieces for the future.
I hope this is of some help. :)
on the plus side
Hi Dave,
thanks for your comments - glad you like the start. I took on your comments about it being a bit list-like. That seemed to be a reaction that others had too. Have rewritten it and am happier with this version. REad it out at an open mic, which was a good experience. The lesson I learned was: if it's hard to read out loud, it may be hard to read on the page....
Clare
plunge?
It's a good start and the title is great lol. I like spiralling circles, bowl's mouth, skimming, luxuriant and collar tickling.
Following up on previous cmmentator's question about agent and agency, I wonder if you need to plunge in and give more brushstrokes to the relationship between observer and observed? The Hugo Williams/Nabila thread on this blog somewhere explores this a little more with examples to hunt down...
taking the plunge...
It was the Hugo Williams/Nabila thread that prompted me to look at this piece again so I'll look again at some of the poems referenced there and also the relationship between 'observer and observed'. As we discussed in the workshop trying to pin down a relationship with a parent is never an easy one!
thanks for the feedback.
secret agents
list of objects required for shaving and actions associated works, but could be a little less listy, e.g.
swishing inside the bowls mouth,
the brush…
…foam, the colour of icing sugar
the colour of egg whites
in spiralling circles applied to his face
spiralling onto his face ??? instead
depends whether you want the objects to be agents or passive with implied but not definite agent, i.e. who applied? him or someone else? assume him but could be someone else
stanza 5
like cartoon bandit’s moustache
last line feels bit uncomfortable read out loud
last stanza
naked and vulnerable bit clichéd, something else to convey the sense of readjustment in perception, the tiny shock inside
maybe build more contrast against the cartoon bandit
overall a quiet, tender, moments piece, like the way it develops and the ambiguity of title works to open up the relationship, just needs bit more thought on the grammatical relationship between the objects and the he