When I loved a fish man...
There are three premature ATTEMPTS at praise poems of 'people' in my writing notebook - this one is the most recognisable as a poem. Sadly it is not even slightly recognisable as a poem of 'Praise'. I hope to do better with the other two.
Please offer any ideas for improving it, or just be honest... You can tell me if it belongs in the bin. My feeling is that the journey is a bit jolty or ends to abruptly - something not quite working yet.
When I loved a fish man
it was like meeting a pulse
or watching a rainbow breathe
just muscle, silver and dance.
My mouth in an oval
tongued promises
under a wavy moon trance.
I slithered some lies of love;
I said, my heart was not a catch,
the deep would never tire me.
Though buried from wood and spring,
I could never take him out of the sea.
Was I not a mermaid of the mangroves?
Haven’t I spawned in beds of the coral reef?
Couldn’t I sway with the sea grass?
I believed the bulge of my dreams.
But the watery nights clung
the ocean made my lips sore
my salt and tears slid
invisible to cold sea glass.
I tried to hook him with air,
I said he would be sorry when I was gone.
He said the sea life was traffic free
easy to enter, easy to leave.
· Protected by Akismet
Comments
wHEN i LOVED A FISH
i just l-o-v-e-d this poem. the first line drwas you in and i love the element of grace mystery and fantasy about it.
some of my favourite lines;
'watching a rainbow breathe
just muscle, silver and dance.'
What incredible images it bring to mind!! Wish that was my line!!
'my salt and tears slid
invisible to cold sea glass.'
But not sure if it is exactly a praise poem rather than a very beautiful love story
Yvonne
hey, some more Monkey
hey, some more Monkey Magic!
What more can I add to Pete's sagacity?
The first stanza is fabulous - the mythic sense of storytelling in the image of humans loving supernatural beings combines with an almost casual tone to create the instantly attention grabbing phrase "When I loved a fish man". The rhythm is light, the words mellifluous, the images intuitively apt.
2nd stanza starts well with the first two lines conjuring up an instant picture of fish mouths. The last two lines are good but not as inventive as the first two. Ah, this is the problem of devising beautiful phrases - u have to keep topping them!
The rest of the poem didn't grab me as much, apart from the lines "the watery nights...cold sea glass". I'm not quite sure why, perhaps the imagery is less surprising than at the start. Perhaps a touch too much alliteration in stanza three, "Was I not a mermaid of the mangroves..."
Also it felt like the tone of the last 3 stanzas was inconsistent with the insouciant light lyricism of the first two stanzas.
But I think it's definitely one to develop, if only because those first 2 stanzas are magic!
Is it a praise poem?
Probably not, more a love poem about a relationship.
But hey, the workshop titles are just launching pads for our space shuttles of inspiration, are they not?
Fish Man poem
An unusual poem with a strong sense of myth / well worked extended metaphors. I thought effective the 3 lines: ‘my mouth in an oval,/ tongued promises / I slithered some lies about love’ (wasn’t sure about ‘wavy moon trance’, does the line work hard enough?) I also loved ’rainbow breathe’ and even more ‘muscle silver and dance ‘ – phew, great; it made the preceding phrase ‘it was like’ seem uneconomical, lax, superfluous for me. The tension of the narrative was engaging. The last two lines of the last verse are real cool lines, and the first time Fish Man’s voice is heard. The preceding two lines (I tried to hook him with air etc) do make an awkward leap or return to an earlier mood, though the ‘tried to hook him with air’ line itself is strong. Is it a praise poem? I’m not sure I’m qualified to say!