Commonword Blogs

Pete,

I love this! I like the fact you've used real images (which I'm starting to do myself now) because as you've said to me many times, writing is about telling stories and building up images in the reader's mind and this is perfectly done in that sense. The only thing I would suggest is perhaps explore the relationship between the deceased (having attended the very same exhibition with you I presume you are referring to Emory Douglas) and the people he knew and loved and try and imagine the relationships he would have nurtured in his life and perhaps bring those experiences to life here.

What I particularly liked is the urban-style language you've used here, the writing of which I'm a big fan of anyway.

All said and done, this is magical!

Wonderful piece!

N

Those guys would be on fire, not arranging water trays! Focusing on the piano: take the piano outside and smash it up! Rage!

sitting in front of this Pete and explaining the purpose of the exercise while considering this picture - at first glance the chap with the gun i felt to be holding a bass guitar...interesting first impression!

i feel that this poem would be worthy of a little bit of word trim to sharpen what is already written -

I like -
'on A hot day the most effective minds are cool'

i imagine that this captures the mood and thoughts of those who would have been doing the arranging for the funeral

i like -
'Have the hymn books ready but programme
No mournful tunes'

this has a feel of Auden for me - maybe it's a rhythm thing(?)

i'd look at changing the word 'pranged' it doesn't feel the best word given the words which surrround it -

would also consider restructuring some of the poem on the page - though i realise that this blog format does not best allow this facility - in my mind i feel the first two stanzas would work if structured in the style of Lemn Sissay's 'Gambian Holiday Maker'

hope this helps...

steve