Two Poems
Sun, 23/03/2008 - 14:54 — Cultureword
I looked at the poems/pieces I wrote while in Pakistan and found these. Can either of them be moulded into a classical shape? (PS I showed them to Martin via his comments section - so you can check his comments on them via his blog.
1.
Grey trees spider the grey skyline
Mr Mehmood’s cell phone battery is fading.
He speaks quickly in 3 languages
2.
A bird whistles an evening chorus.
The rope bed sighs as I shift a limb.
Somewhere in UK it is raining.
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Comments
Both poems seem to very
Both poems seem to very haiku esque. U may want to tailor the syllables towards that form. But I don't think u should get too hung up on the formal elements. after all, translated haikus rarely have the correct syllable count.
i luv the first line of poem 1. not sure about the repitition of "grey" which is foregrounded in such a brief poem. 2nd line seems a bit heavy, "cell phone battery" is rather clumsy, perhaps simply "mobile is fading" might be more succinct. 3rd line has great potential, but "quickly" is an unoriginal & unevocative adverb.
1st line of poem 2 is rather bland & cliched, need a more original aspect to the image perhaps linking to the "sigh" of 2nd line, which i luv in its entirety. Not sure about the 3rd line, seems a bit too throwaway. as a joke, there is not quite enough surprise in it. The abbreviation UK seems odd - do u really automatically say "UK" to yourself when waking up? UK seems such an officialese term.
the two poem pieces
Thanks segun, its great to drink from the cup of insight you proffer. Yes, two greys is prob 1 too many. 2nd line heavy and i like the shrinkin into mobile you propose. I kinda want to keep 'speaks quickly', cant explain why yet. Yes i am doomed to throwaway ending lines and need to think harder there. And lazy line yes, I will revisit it. On UK (and to some extent 'phone battery') its to do with Pakistani use of English. I noticed when in Pakistan eveyrone said 'UK' not 'the UK' or 'England.' (an aspect of language: there are no definitie articles in most Pakistani languages, no 'the'. ) And yr right, use of 'UK' is an outcome of the racist imigation controls - form filling has produced this phrase/offcialese, and I was writing, not particularly consciously, in half Pakistani english (see martins wry comments on the poem somewhere in his blog!)
Someone said writing is rewriting. For some reason, I actually enjoy rewrites! So all comments always welcome...
Haiku/haikuesque
Something's just struck me.
I'm certain somebody somewhere will have expressed an opinion that the western mind cannot properly 'get' haikus. Must have. No this isn't an opinion on the poems though I trust it's still worth reading. I feel that if one reads a Japanese Haiku from a non-Japanese viewpoint, no matter the brilliance of the translation, or even if one knew Japanese well and read it in the original. There's a fair chance one wouldn't get it
If I look for a relevance to this writing it may be Indian/Western.
Makes some type of sense to me. Will not be beaten further.
Thanks for your time. Anybody says this is 'bleak' I'm most upset!
Ed